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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Juggernaut Diet

Here is the diet plan I have used to successfully get the body I wanted. Good luck.



The Juggernaut Diet By Rob Garcia

I have tried to lose and maintain my weight my entire life. It has never worked until I applied logic to it. I used the following things and lost 23 pounds in 1.2 months. I have kept off the weight for 5 months and have never been hungry. I have lost fat off my belly, my back, and my face got thinner. My social life should have improved as well but I attribute that more to me being an unpopular dick that is too self absorbed. I’m a life coach, not a miracle worker.

The 5 factors of weight loss and body shaping are the following:

1. Diet

For the first 10-12 days, you want to put your body in an advanced state of ketosis. This means you deprive it of white flour and empty carbs and then your body will start eating fat from the inside. Your friends will try to tempt you. Tell them to kiss your ass and follow these rules:

1. No beer, switch to Bacardi and Diet for these 10-12 days. Beer is like eating bread. We want no white flour or any of the ingredients used to make bread in your body.

2. Get Tupperware TODAY. Make your lunch at home and take it to work with you. Do not give in at work and eat in the cafeteria. Portion sizes are ridiculous.

3. Eat 5-7 times a day but in much smaller quantities. I eat every three hours.

4. When you go to a bar, get chicken wings. No sandwiches or pizza.

5. No fast food. None. Not even so called healthy stuff on the menu.

6. No processed food. No Lean Cuisines or anything in a box. COOK YOUR OWN FOOD. YOU ARE A GROWNUP. Pack your lunch the night before work and get a mini cooler.

7. (Optional step for those that are SERIOUS about this) For breakfast, empty some oatmeal and two spoonfuls of flax seed into a glass of water. Mix without heating and drink. It’s completely gross looking but is a great breakfast and will tide you over.

8. Eat more water soluble veggies (cucumbers, tomatoes, and watermelon) and remember that Italian dressing is fat free or very low cal. Remember to up your fiber intake. Apples, oatmeal, wheat germ.

Here is the list of accepted foods and snacks:

White cheese

Almonds and various nuts

Pork

Tuna

Water soluble veggies (tomatoes and cucumbers)

Chicken

Bacon (god bless this diet)

Shrimp

Wheat Thins or Triscuits

Any fruits

Eggs

Popcorn

Cottage Cheese

Here is the banned list:

NO WHITE FLOUR OF ANY KIND WHATSOEVER. IF YOU EAT ANY WHITE FLOUR YOU MAY AS WELL QUIT TODAY.

Crackers

Cookies

Bread

Muffins

Pancakes or waffles

Croutons

Bagels

Bread crumbs

Rolls

Pretzels

God help me, Beer

NO FAST FOOD OF ANY SHAPE, FORM, OR TYPE

Soda

Milk

2. Energy

Go to GNC today and buy Jack3d. Its a supplement that has creatine and caffeine. It’s delicious and will give you energy for days. It will also intensely boost your sex drive (oh darn). I would also suggest a pack of No Doze. It’s a straight shot of 200 milligrams of caffeine, about two cups of coffee. Have one with your multivitamin in the morning and you will be feeling really good.

3. Gym

Hit the gym three times a week. Just stick with basics. Arm curls, bench press, rowing machine and tricep pulls. Gym sessions should be between 30-45 minutes.

4. Floorwork

When you roll out of bed in the morning, hit the floor. Start with 20 jumping jacks to wake up and then alternate between:

Pushups (This is an example of a wide stance pushup. I alternate between wide, narrow, and diamond). Sorry for using a picture of me, but I had to show a perfect specimen of awesomeness (kidding).





After 10 pushups, I do 5 rear leg lifts with each leg. This will tone your butt.

Rear Leg Lift






Dead Cockroach (Bring feet and hands together, don’t half ass it like this queen)






Side Crunches (Don’t do full sit ups. They are stupid and don’t accomplish a lot. These will tone your side abs)






Here is a suggested set for a 15-20 minute floor workout.

20 jumping jacks

10 wide stance pushups and 5 leg lifts each leg

5 dead cockroaches

20 side crunches each side

20 jumping jacks

10 narrow stance pushups and 5 leg lifts each leg

10 dead cockr

oaches

20 side crunches each side

Repeat. Add sets as you get stronger. Yes, your abs will hurt at first. Tough it out. They will adapt.

5. Aerobic

You need to run hard enough to sweat at least three times a week. Just shoot for 20 minute short jogs at first. If you have trouble running, go for a 40 minute walk and build up to running. You absolute

ly need to break a sweat or you aren’t working hard enough. You may need to use the unholy triumvirate to accomplish your goals: Akon, Gaga, Ke$ha. They are surprisingly effective on an Ipod. I prefer Scooter but to each his own.

Use this chart to gauge your progress. Print it out and hang it on your refrigerator. Weigh yourself Day 1 and Day 7 and write down the results. As you complete exercises, check in the boxes. Good luck. I think you are going to kick ass. If you can survive 12 days of this, you will see improvements.

If not, you are a pathetic failure that will die alone, poor, unloved, and miserable.

Happy New Year,

Rob






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